FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE December 2025 – Piscataway, NJ
Rutgers University has announced its football program will not participate in the Birmingham Bowl. The Athletic Director is citing “strategic retreat” as the latest innovation in Scarlet Knight athletics. The decision represents a landmark victory over the month of December, the alleged saturation of bowl games, and the concept of effort itself.
“After careful consideration, we realized we’ve done enough this season and didn’t really need an extra three weeks of practice,” said Head Coach Greg Schiano while sipping from a commemorative Gatorade cooler. “If you look at our performance over the last couple of decades, it’s pretty clear extra practice wouldn’t make a difference.”
Athletic Director Pat Hobbs added: “We’ve saved our players from injuries, our fans from watching another 5–7 matchup, and ESPN from having to pretend this game mattered. Truly, this is a win-win-win.”
Fan Response
- 87% of Rutgers fans reported “relief” upon hearing the team would not play Georgia Southern.
- 12% admitted they didn’t know a 5-7 team was bowl eligible.
- 1% insisted the team is still “undefeated in games they decline.”
Rutgers Football
Known as The Birthplace of College Football, Rutgers was founded on tradition, grit, and the occasional surprise bowl substitution. Rutgers Football remains committed to redefining success in ways that ignore archaic notions of offense, defense, or points scored. The Scarlet Knights look forward to continuing their proud legacy of rebuilding, reloading, and reframing losses as moral victories.