photo credit cleveland.com
COLUMBUS, OH – Whether Michigan upset the Buckeyes or Ohio State stayed perfect, Ryan Day’s presser was bound to be a spectacle.
Ohio State finally beat Michigan, but Ryan Day’s post-game press conference sounded like he lost. Day rattled off excuses like a roommate dodging rent. Reporters weren’t sure if they were covering a win or a conspiracy theory.
Day claimed Michigan “cut the comms” and made his headset useless for throwing to the ground in victory or defeat. Then he blamed the snow, the turf, the referees, and even Lou Holtz, who couldn’t be found for comment. Reporters noted Day seemed determined to prove his team had overcome a conspiracy rivaling Watergate.
“We couldn’t hear plays, the turf was too green, and honestly, the band was playing too loud,” Day lamented. He even suggested Michigan fans were using binoculars to steal signals. He amended that statement admitting they were “probably just watching the game.”
The excuses piled so high one beat writer for Sycophant Warriors finally interrupted: “Coach, you know you won, right?” Day paused, winked, and muttered, “Wait… did we?” Day has lost four in-a-row to the Wolverines, including to one of their worst teams in 10 years. He confessed he expected to lose and be fired after the fan base backlash last year. To be fair, even after winning the National Championship, Buckeye fans couldn’t stop talking about Michigan.
When asked to what he credited the victory, Day didn’t hesitate. “It was the look in my eye. A lot of people were talking about it early in the season. They were right. All I had to do was get my eyes to look differently and I knew we’d win this thing.” And then he winked a wink like he finally understood his own joke.
Day congratulated his players for triumphing over “the most hostile environment since their team meeting after last year’s game.”
Day finally broke Michigan’s streak and kept his job, but he couldn’t stop himself from inventing new enemies. In the end, the Buckeyes beat Michigan — and Ryan Day lost to his own imagination.