ANN ARBOR — Time is running out for Michigan’s coach search. Warde Manuel has promised to take a bold new step: background checks. Manuel promised background checks so thorough lawyers are on standby for the inevitable civil rights violations.
“Every candidate will be vetted for wins, losses, and whether they’ve ever worn khakis unironically,” Manuel told reporters.
The first round of checks has already produced stunning results. One candidate was eliminated after investigators discovered he once referred to the Big Ten as “that conference with Ohio State.” Another was disqualified for a 2009 tweet praising Michigan State’s marching band.
“These scandals seem inconsequential, but we had a coach sanctioned for watching football games too early,” Manuel said. “I don’t want to take any chances.”
Now, leaked “classified files” reveal the true depth of the process:
- File: [REDACTED] Drinkwitz
- Offense: Purchased Michigan hoodie in 2012. Returned for store credit.
- Risk Level: High. Shows pattern of commitment issues.
- File: Kenny Dillingham
- Offense: Resides within 0.3 miles of parents.
- Risk Level: Severe. Possible guilt trips could cause him to miss games.
- File: Jeff Brohm
- Offense: Failed “Ann Arbor Winter Simulation.” Never been north of the 45th parallel.
- Risk Level: Critical. Late November play calling integrity compromised.
- File: P.J. Fleck
- Offense: Coached Western Michigan.
- Risk Level: Coached Western Michigan.
Even interim coach Biff Poggi wasn’t spared. His dossier flagged him as “too available,” a troubling sign that he might actually accept the job.
Manuel did admit Ryan Day is on the list but admits it’s a long shot. “I was about to reach out to Coach Day and open the checkbook for him,” Manuel said. “Until I heard Day’s program is so clean the Pope is considering dropping the Buckeyes for the Irish. THE Holy Buckeyes he called them.”
Michigan insists the process will continue until they find a coach with a spotless record. The next best option is a coach whose skeletons are less embarrassing than losing to USC. Until then, the Wolverines remain committed to hiring someone who can pass the ultimate test: pretending they want the job.