photo credit – Team Rivalry’s crack AI designer, Mr. C. Opilot
LIVING ROOM, USA – Football is nothing if not a grid iron of chaos. The latest chaos, coming from State College is sure to stun fans and furniture outlets alike. State College announced today their most vocal armchair coach has been hired to lead the football program. The man calling the plays is the same man who once shouted at his 55″ 4K LG, “My dog calls better plays than that!”
The newly minted head coach, State College refuses to release a name at this time, wasted no time rearranging the living room of leadership. His first bold decision? Demoting former head coach, Knotta Bahler, to assistant. Many expected Bahler to announce his resignation, but the springs in his sofa aren’t worn out yet.
At today’s press conference, held during commercial breaks, Bahler gushed over the new coach with the enthusiasm of a man who just discovered a built‑in cupholder: “This guy is like Nick Saban, Tom Landry, and Mickey, you know, the coach from Rocky, all rolled into one. I have no doubt the living room liquor cabinet will soon be filled with trophies.”
During the short interview with the former armchair coach, it was obvious Mickey, the coach from Rocky, was the dominant personality. When asked about his fundamental play calling strategy he replied loudly, “Eat lightning! Crap thunder!” His advice to the running backs, “You’re a tank! A freakin’ tank!” The athletic director stood by proudly and didn’t bat an eye when the former armchair coach said they’ll be changing up concussion protocols. The new protocol? “I didn’t hear no bell,” will be the determining factor.
The former armchair coach didn’t reveal too many secrets of the new playbook, but he did give some hints. The new strategies include, “throw it farther,” “run faster,” and “score more points than the other team.” Players found the clarity refreshing, though one lineman admitted, “It feels like we’re being coached by a guy who just yells at his TV.”
The real kicker came at the end of the interview. The athletic director revealed the fine print. The former armchair coach’s contract requires him to remain seated in his recliner during all practices and games. “We hired him for his armchair expertise,” the AD explained. “If he stands up, he’s in breach of contract.”
Dreams do come true. And now the team’s future now rests on a man who can’t leave his La‑Z‑Boy. Fans are already calling it the “Recliner Formation.” Whether it leads to championships or just worn-out upholstery remains to be seen.