ASHTABULA, OH – SHOCKING! The Wolverines are scrambling to save the 2026 season. An Ohio State–certified psychic announced the entire football team will enter the transfer portal in January. Yes, the entire roster. Not the water boys, though, they decided to unionize.
“The moment Ryan Day adjusted his visor during The Game, I saw it in his eyes — a shimmering portal opening, Wolverines sprinting like moths to a neon flame. The entire Michigan roster… gone. The band plays on, but the team has vanished into the ether. #TheGame #PortalProphecy”
Ohio State Psychic @VisorVision
According to the psychic every time Ryan Day has “that look in his eye” she has a vision. “I was at home watching the game and after Julian Sayin threw the interception the camera shifted to Ryan Day. The panic on his face, er, the look in his eye was instantly put me into THE state of transferrence. And then I saw Sherrone Moore standing near a glowing neon portal. Players were running past him, sprinting into the portal without hesitation. Only Semaj Morgan remained.”
Michigan officials insist this is “probably not true.” They did admit they’ve been unable to locate their offensive line since Saturday morning.
If true, the timing couldn’t be worse. Michigan signed the 11th-ranked recruiting class in the nation last week. Headlined by five-star edge rusher Carter Meadows and top-ranked running back Savion Hiter. Seventeen of the 27 signees are set to enroll early this winter.
Behind the scenes, Michigan’s staff is preparing for the January 2–16 transfer portal window like it’s DEFCON 1*. Sherrone Moore has reportedly identified several priority positions for the transfers. Among those positions are wide receiver, defensive line, offensive line, special teams, cornerback, tight end, and punter.
“We’re not saying we believe in psychic visions,” said one anonymous staffer. “But we’re also not not building a depth chart that includes the drum major, the cheerleaders and the water boys if we can reach an agreement.”
*Per our resident Gen X advisor, who’s seen the original War Games movie 32 times, DEFCON 1 is World War III (at the time of this writing).