Your team made a bowl game. Technically. A lot of teams have declined invitations, and a lot of players are opting out. At this point, who really knows if your team earned a bowl game or were just available. On top of that, there are 36 non-College Football Playoff bowl games this season. Sponsors range from celebrities and cereal characters to tax firms and energy drinks. None of them have a connection to football. And that’s the problem.
Here are 10 signs your team is in a bowl game that shouldn’t exist.
#1: It’s Not Hosted Anywhere Near You: A Big Ten team traveling out west is a nice vacation, but will fans of a MAC team travel to the Bahamas bowl? Who are we kidding?
#2: The Sponsor Is a Company You Can’t Prove Exists The Famous Toastery Bowl is sponsored by Famous Toastery. I’m not making that up. And you’ve never heard of it.
#3: The Trophy Looks Like a Rejected HomeGoods Decoration The Pop-Tarts Bowl Trophy literally has a toaster in it. Players can actually toast pastries in the trophy.
#4: The Announcers Are Clearly Interns When Gus Johnson, Joel Klatt, Devan Gardner, or even Jake Butt announces your game, you know people are watching. If Wes Durham is calling your game, you’ll wonder if it’s even televised. I did a search for the “highest profile game Wes Durham has called” and Google couldn’t find it.
#5: The Only Person the Sideline Reporter Interviews Is the Mascot The players are just hanging out. The Coaches didn’t even bring the playbook. But the Mascots always bring their A game. Always.
#6: The Halftime Show Is a Local Cover Band Did you know there are Neil Diamond tribute bands? I did not.
#7: Your Team Name is Handwritten Under the Team Originally Invited We all know there are too many bowl games, but sometimes you have to wonder: Did the other team decline the invitation, or did your coach fall for a scammer?
#8: The Field Has Visible Baseball Lines Or worse: lacrosse. Or even worse: soccer.
#9: The Referees Are Wearing Footlocker Uniforms Everybody wants overtime for the holidays. Except actual referees.
#10: Your Team Wins… and No One Knows What to Do With That Information They didn’t shoot confetti from a cannon. They just handed your coach the trophy and told him to clear the locker room before 5 pm.
If any of this looks familiar, it’s time to sign that petition to get a new coach.